Yes, there was a break in journaling, both online and off. Off my eating plan, off most of my challenges, off my schedule. Upheaval all around.
Silver lining? A chance to practice ALL my hard fought mental wellness skills. Looking back on the past couple of weeks, I only had two events when I let my vindictive side get the best of me. One move (sending a trademark me email) was likely not the best one and far too impulsive for what the situation required. The other move? Not sure yet. I don’t regret it yet and not sure I will.
Edit: I regret it, kinda. Time will tell.
I think there is a lot of truth that even when our actions make no sense and seem destructive, there is a significant need being met. Healing is finding out the motive and caring enough to find other ways to meet that need. Being Heard is a huge need I have. If I feel I am not being given the time or opportunity to express something (positive or negative), I *make* it happen, whether or not the intended recipient cares, has the time or has set a boundary with me.
I am quite literally known in my circle for what I have written. I’ve lifted people, one example being making sure my soldiers received awards by writing up medal submissions that always got approved. I’ve entertained people when I lose myself in the role of storyteller and share my tales, both clean and dirty. Vicious emails are a weapon of the weak and it’s generally sad how good I am at deploying them. When other mechanisms of communication fail me, I always find a way. I have hurt people with some really awful language coming from hurt.
In any case. I know where that need to be heard comes from and I am unsure I can, or even should, try to suppress that need. It is better to change my communication behavior and most importantly…never email or text impulsively. I have improved to an amazing degree. I think and wait to communication, both verbally and in writing. I would say most of my angry words are never said nor send, the rest are pondered, examined and re-stated more kindly, clearly and without the contemptuous language. Still happens, but legit rarely now. It’s no longer a habit to lash out with my words. That email I recently sent was the first of its nasty kind, in literally years.
Yet unfortunately, when it’s 1 AM, and you are tired, when you get a body blow from behind you never expected but should have known… Old habits aren’t as dead as one thought, especially when they feel like survival.
I think waiting to come back to journaling was wise. Keep the weapons down.
I am in a far better place now. Past two weeks have been rough, but as I always say, everybody’s bill comes due. I got much closer to paying off that debt.
I am Grateful for:
- the calm that comes with the light of day and a good night’s sleep
- a kick in the ass I needed to take a few things more seriously
- Using the control I now have, that I absolutely didn’t want, to launch myself into a life more charming than the one I had before. Seriously.
- My pup had a buddy for the last week and it was a lot of fun for him!
- That I only had one hour of losing my shit and then handled things calmly, sensibly and with a positive, forward thinking mindset. *pats self on the back*
- Blessed beyond all measure that holistic therapy, Dr. Nicole LePera and other tools I have pressed into service have served me so well and came into my view right when I was in a mental place to take advantage.
- Getting a new car. Last new car for me was sevenish years ago.
- Grateful for Future Self Journaling
Godspeed ALL ya’ll!
Recommended Reading
https://theholisticpsychologist.com/future-self-journaling/
The End